


A Life in Four Monologues

by kirasha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: hp_tarot, F/F, Implied/Referenced Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-14
Updated: 2007-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1313758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirasha/pseuds/kirasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four people who love him share some memories with Remus</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Life in Four Monologues

**Author's Note:**

> written for [hp_tarot](http://hp_tarot.livejournal.com)
> 
> **Card:** King of Cups  
>  **Card Interpretation:** "A gentle man. A healer. A good advisor. A good-natured, brown-haired man with light eyes."

I hate hospitals. I haven't been comfortable inside one since Sirius. It's silly, I know. Sirius was never in the hospital. He never came out of the veil. No body. I guess it's because I was here when you told me he was dead.  
  
Dead.  
  
My favorite cousin was dead.  
  
It wasn't fair. I was just getting to know him again. He was this larger than life figure in my childhood. Sirius Black and his band of friends -- James Potter, Peter Pettigrew...and Remus Lupin. The world I grew up in was so dark and dangerous. The four of you were like four white knights in my little girl's faerie tales.  
  
Then, you all were gone. James was dead. Lily was dead. Peter was dead. Sirius was a murderer.  
  
And, you disappeared.  
  
Maybe that's why, when I lost Sirius for the second time, I latched on to you so desperately.  
  
You were so kind to me, Remus. I know you had to hurt as much as I did, if not more. He was your best friend. You were finally given a chance to work through the betrayals of the past, starting to forgive each other, when he was taken away again. But, though your world was falling apart, still you took the time to talk to me, to reach out and comfort me in my own grief.  
  
Is it any wonder I fell in love with you?  
  
 _This is how he would have wanted it,_ you told me, _to go out fighting, protecting the ones he loved, rather than to die safe and warm in his bed at a ripe old age._ I didn't want to believe that. How could anyone not want to live a long, full life? Why throw yourself into danger's path?  
  
Kind of stupid for an Auror to be thinking, hm?  
  
I still hate hospitals.  
  
The last time we were in a hospital room like this, I humiliated us both. I never apologized for that. I just was so afraid of losing you, too. You were on a dangerous mission. Dumbledore was dead. Bill was lying close to death.  
  
In my defense, I did love you. As crazy and unrelenting as I acted, I did truly love you. I wasn't fair to you, though. All I could think was that if we weren't together, I'd lose the last guardian angel I had. But, you were right again. I wanted someone to save me and you need someone you can grow old with.  
  
You'll always be the man I hold others up to as a measuring stick, though.  
  
Dammit, Remus. Even if you don't love me, I'm not ready to say good-bye yet.  
  


* * * * *

  
  
_The scars you can see are easy to live with. It's the scars you don't see that are the hardest to heal._ Do you remember when you told me that? We were sitting, just like this -- only it was me in the bed and you sitting in the chair -- and I had just seen my face for the first time since my fight with Greyback. Mum and Fleur had just left, all happy and confident. I knew they were just as lost and scared as I was. But, they put such a brave face on for my sake. I couldn't let them see how truly _angry_ I was at Fate.  
  
And there you sat. God, how I have always envied your calm and control. You just sat there, listening quietly to all the abuse I could spout now that the women were gone. You never even flinched when I shouted at the top of my voice that I didn't want to be like _you_.  
  
I've always hated myself for the way I said that. Especially since it was so far from the truth. I would be honored if even one person looked up to and respected me in the way I know so many look to you, Remus.  
  
Here I was yelling obscenities and you just sat there, waiting in silence until I'd exhausted every swear word I knew. Then you looked at me. It felt like forever since anyone had looked at me like that -- understanding completely without pity. All I had to do was meet that look and I knew _you_ understood. You understood exactly how I felt and you didn't feel sorry for me or see me as less than I was.  
  
I don't think I'd have ever gotten through those first few months if it hadn't been for your friendship and support. I know my marriage would have been a casualty of the war right along with everything else that's been lost if it hadn't been for you.  
  
In case I never get the chance to say this again, I want you to know that I do not now, nor do I think I will ever regret kissing you that night. Perhaps it was, as you said then, a desperate attempt to run away from the pain and fear I could see in Fleur's eyes every day. But, if I hadn't been married and you weren't in love with another man, I'd like to think that maybe, just maybe, we could have been more than good friends.  
  
Still, I'm glad to have a best mate I know I can count on to tell me when I'm being a bloody stupid git who needs to get his head on straight and take care of his family.  
  
And you have to wake up soon. Fleur and I intend to make you a godfather as soon as you do.  
  


* * * * *

  
  
All right, all right. I'm here. I'm sorry it took so long to come and see you. You can thank Hermione for the guilt trip that got me here. You'd think she'd have enough trouble on her hands getting Ron into dress robes again for the wedding! But no, you know Hermione. She finds time to make sure we're all doing what we should be.  
  
I'm no good at this, Remus. I've never been good at this. I don't know what to say. I can't...  
  
I can't lose you. You're the last connection I have to Mum and Dad and Sirius. If you're gone, how will I remember them?  
  
That sounds so bad, doesn't it? I don't only need you because of them. You've always been there for me, no matter what idiotic mess I got myself into and needed to be bailed out of. I've never been able to thank you for that. And if you don't...well, I won't ever get the chance. So, you can't. You just can't.  
  
He wasn't worth it. I don't care what information he got or how loyal to the cause he turned out to be. He wasn't worth it.  
  
Why? Why would you _do_ that?  
  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't. I can't sit here and say good-bye to you, knowing you're here because of _him_.  
  


* * * * *

  
  
If humans could do with a look what a Basilisk could, Potter's glare as I came in would have sent me straight to the grave.  
  
I hope you don't expect me to launch into some maudlin speech about how much you mean to my life. I've stood outside and listened to three people who claim to love you wish you good-bye as though they have no faith in that stubborn Gryffindor arrogance to rise up any moment and prove them wrong. Unfortunately, I have just enough faith in my own ill luck to realize I would never be allowed to get rid of you so easily.  
  
So, if you don't mind, I'll just sit here in silence until you decide to quit playing games and wake up.  
  
  
  
Very well, I suppose some conversation is necessary, if only to keep me from dying of boredom.  
  
 _You_ will probably be glad to hear the Wizengamut actually pardoned me. Not without restrictions, mind you. But, the old dunderheads apparently agreed with you and Albus that there was something redeemable in my actions. So, as long as I don't kill anyone else, they'll allow me to be a free man.  
  
Idiots.  
  
Can't they see that I may have already caused someone else to--  
  
I will deny to the ninth level of Hell that I ever said this, but Potter is right. It wasn't a fair trade. It should be me lying near death. Not you, you dolt. The world needs you, your guidance and example. The constant parade of people through that door to say their goodbyes should prove that.  
  
The world would be a better place without me. It's not as if any but you would have mourned if Lucius' curse had hit it's target.  
  
Remus, please... I don't ask much of anyone...very well, I can hear your retort even with you lying unconsciousness, I don't ask much of anyone in a more personal sense.  
  
You of all people should know how hard this is for me.  
  
I have to know if you meant those last words. And I'll never know if you don't wake up.  
  
Damn you to hell, Remus Lupin. Is this your idea of a practical joke? One last hurrah from the last living Marauder? Throw yourself in front of a curse meant for the traitor, tell him you love him as you're lying in his arms, and then die before he can realize how much he needs you?  
  
...I do need you, Remus. I can't believe I'm about to say this. You make me whole...  
  
Remus?  
  
Do not play games with me werewolf. If you can squeeze my hand, you can open your damn eyes!  
  
It's about time.

**Author's Note:**

> I went with the initial interpretation on the challenge page for this fic because I felt it so suited the character of Remus Lupin. But, I got a little experimental with the format and, though Remus is the focus of the story, he doesn't actually appear in the text. A thousand thanks to [midnight_writer](http://midnight_writer.livejournal.com) for once again being my sounding board when I panicked about the format I had chosen.


End file.
